Tuesday, January 15, 2008

LB and the Bad Feeling Fairy.

I was planning on blogging yesterday, but it just didn't come. It was one of those days.
I woke up at 4 am with such a feeling of impending doom- you know, where you just can feel it in your bones- something B. A. D. is going to happen, but you don't know exactly what or to whom. I have had this sixth sense my whole life, but it was hard to ignore, or identify today. And then to complicate matters, my Girly was flying home from a weekend visit with our dear friends, the G family. Mr. G. is a flight attendant (bless him) and makes sure the Girlies get to spend as much time together as possible. He flies up and back, and then up and back again, to deliver one girl or another so the two best friends can spend a few weekends a year together. I love him for this.

*But* I was locked up all morning, until my Girl was home. I guess we are all coping with my nephew's death fairly well, but one thing that has happened is that I have a very hard time surrendering my kids to other folks- putting their safety and well-being in the hands of another adult- the Boy rides home with someone from his weekly seminar, the Girl on the plane, etc. I called Dy twice yesterday, being reassured that this was a little silly, but normal under the circumstances, and did my best to let go.

I thought the feelings would let up once the Girl was home, but they didn't. Instead, the Boy and I had a stoopid ugly fight. It wasn't just a disagreement, or an argument, it became a fight. You know, the kind you can NEVER win with a teenager- you ask, they resist, you insist, they resist harder, you demand and persist, they resist, then rebel. It sucks. It really sucks. We were finally able to regroup, acknowledge how each of us were being that kept the fight going, the yucky impact of that behaviour on each and all of us, we apologized, and everything, but. But I even had a lovely phone conversation with the Traveling Dude, where he reaffirmed how close and loving our family is. But even after watching Ratatoulle with the Girl, I still couldn't pull it out. It was the whole dark cloud thing all over again.

And I seem to have woken up with it still hanging over my head. How do you regroup and reaffirm when you have had a bad day the day before? How do you successfully let it go?

Here is my plan: I journaled last night for the first time all year. (Again, not very successful yet with my goals.) I think I will journal again today, and see if anything left over from yesterday needs to bubble up and out, and then maybe I can create something amazing for this day.

I have made a healthy breakfast, I will move my body today, I will do laundry, and make art. It will all be okay. Hopefully even better than okay. Thanks for listening.


Cassandra said...

(((Needleroozer))) Hope today is going better for you. Be kind to yourself--don't beat yourself up about feeling lousy.

CresceNet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
lauriep said...

If I were you I'd be tempted to get a pair of punching bags - one for you and one for whichever kid is acting up at the moment. Then you can each go to your corners, and well, you know. O.K., I'm mostly kidding? :) I have moments when I feel like I'm going to blow up and wish I had something to vent it on. Anyway, exercise is a good thing, eh?

Needleroozer said...

Thanks ladies, I do feel better. ANd Laurie, I love the idea of a punching bag- we need 4 of them!!
Letting myself feel the grief today, and just taking it easy helped some.

Pamela said...

Ah, the human experience is dynamic and full of twist and turns isn't it?

You are so wise, and I am so grateful for that shared knowing: the spiritual path, good quality fuel, moving in oxygen, and journaling.

All is well and we are truly blessed, even when we are feeling the other side.