Thursday, June 14, 2007

Sun and Storm

This was me yesterday. Totally me. Not what had happened, not what was said, but me. I was choosing to be an angry, nasty, emotional storm cloud who spewed out hard, fat hailstones and sharp, pelting rain down onto those closest to, and unfortunate enough to be the earth people around me. Everything and everyone was wrong. I wouldn't look inside myself to see what was triggering the storm- I just became one.

As the night was ending, the storm cloud that was me had spent itself and I had begun to clear the air with the earth-people around me.

When I awoke this morning, my sky was beginning to clear, still some dark clouds; and there was a great deal of debris around my house to be cleaned up.

All day, I thought on my life and my choices. I was open to the possibility of a muse, maybe in the form of a bright sun cloud to help me clear the air. The storm clouds stayed at bay, but the sun was behind drab grey clouds The storm had subsided, but the remnants still remained. I lived a day filled to the brim with life errands, kept company on my car rides by gentle wind, reminding me of all the earth and sky people who love me. I thought and breathed.

When I picked my son up from school this afternoon, all the thoughts of the day became words. I poured out my heart to him, owning that I had been a raging storm, and sharing how fierce and protecting a mother has to be when given a new sky baby. She keeps them safe and shows them how to weather out a storm. After a time, though, the sky baby learns the ways of the earth for themselves, and wants to begin traveling on its own, whatever the weather brings. Sometimes it is hard to let go- you forgot your umbrella. No thanks, mother, I like the rains. I may also chase storms once in a while.

Mothers can't help but want to make the world safe for their babies, but all babies grow up and learn how to handle life's storms by themselves. I realized that the eye of yesterday's storm, the calm, scary spot in every storm, was that I was struggling with letting my baby grown up and make his own choices. I was trying to control what he did and what happened to him. I realized this is not empowering for him or for me. As hard as it was, I had to give him his own life. I will watch over him, and support him all I can, but he has to start living his own life.

As I finished telling this child, who is still my baby but a young man at the same time, how much I loved him, and that I was ready to let him go, the sun came out from behind the clouds. As my son smiled at me, the bright rays of the sun came out and warmed us. Upsets and storms happen, but if we are willing to look hard at ourselves, and are willing to let go of stories behind them, we can see the powerful people we can become. And we can choose to let our own inner light shine as bright as the sun, instead of choosing to be a hurtful storm cloud.


Alis said...

Oh you made me cry.
The hardest thing for me was letting my lovely little girl grow up so I know exactly how you feel.
She is 25, now a school teacher and a lovely young woman. But she will always (like your boy) be my baby.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Big hugs, Alis

Pamela said...

Oh wow ~ How COOL is that?

Thanks for sharing o'wise and eloquent one.

:) P

Pamela said...

Beautiful picture by the way ~ where did that come from? Story?